Who am I and What do I Want?

My thoughts sometimes go to a wretched dark place and I loose my hope for a bright future.  When you have only gone on five dates in your entire dating career you start to wonder what is wrong with you and if you even have a chance at marriage.

Questions like; Am I not tall enough? Am I not skinny enough?  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I not perfect enough?  come to mind.  

My thoughts on these horrific questions:  

"You are exactly who Heavenly Father wants you to be at this point in your life, do not despair, He will provide."  

Being 692 miles away from your family forces you to grow up and get in touch with the inner you.  I first moved up to Salt Lake when I was seventeen.  I had no job, no friends, no opinions, and no self-worth/self-knowledge.  I had no idea who I was or what my value was.  I was just a kid that was shipped off to college because that is what her parents wanted to do.  Well, I soon found friends, and I eventually found a job.  I even formed some of my own opinions along the way.  But self-worth and self-knowledge took a long time to develop.  After being up here for two years, I am finally starting to realize who I am and what I want out of life.

Who am I?

 "I am Ashlynn Michelle Osborn.  A treasured daughter of her beloved Heavenly Father.  A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.    A remarkable young woman with a kind and loving heart.  An amazing flutist.  An excellent learner. And a fabulous human being."

What do I want out of life?

"I want to be a wife and a mother.  I want to make a difference in the world.  I want to influence people's lives for the better.  I want to return to my Heavenly Father and tell Him that I did all that I could do to further His work."

I have always known that I am a Daughter of God.  I have been taught this throughout my life.  However, I did not fully realize or appreciate this until very recently.  You see, I have always been surrounded by family and friends who built me up and put me on a pedestal.  I was taught that I was amazing and terrific, special and extraordinary.   But when I moved to Utah, where I did not have such people, I was torn down from my throne of awesomeness.  I believed myself to be worthless and insignificant because that is what the world told me.  Only now do I realize how very wrong I was.

I came to this realization when I was put into the new Relief Society Presidency in January.  Jessica, Caroline, and Diana were all women that I greatly admired.

I wondered what I did to deserve to be paired with such fabulous ladies.  Then it hit me.  I needed to learn the self-confidence that they had.  So, with that in mind I pressed forward with a happy attitude and a whole new world opened up to me.  For some reason, I was lighter on my feet than I had ever been before.  I was goofier, a little less uptight, and generally happier with who I was.  I could go up to people in the hallway at school and just talk to them.  Speaking in Sacrament meeting?  Normally I would not have lasted five minutes but I ended up talking for about seventeen. (I apologize to anyone who may have been in the audience.)  That guy over there that I like?  Oh yeah, you bet I went up and talked to him.  And I was not nervous for a second.  Over the past month, a thousand new possibilities opened up to me.  All because I took a leap of faith, said yes to a calling, grew closer to some pretty fantastic people, and learned from them what I needed to be.

If you were to ask me two years ago who I was and what I wanted out of life, I would have said

"I am Ashlynn Osborn and I have no clue, I am just along for the ride."

Now I have purpose.  I know who I am and what I want.  And I have the self-worth/self-confidence to get me there.

Do you?