Drama and Disappointment

When I was a little girl, I tried to do exactly what my Mom told me.  I wanted to be just like her so I practiced the piano really hard, I tried dressing fancy, and I ate everything she ate.  I was just like Mom!  I thought my Mom would be disappointed if I didn't live up to her expectations.

When I was 17 years old, I left for college.  My goal was to find a guy, get married, and have kids.  Well, 2 years went by and I graduated with honors from LDS Business College with a degree in Business and Accounting.  I figured my Mom would be proud of my accomplishment and she was.  Then I made a goal to attend Brigham Young University.  I was accepted and again, I thought my Mom couldn't have been more proud.  And she was ecstatic.

Shortly after I made plans to move to Provo and continue my education, I met a wonderful man and fell madly in love.  Before I knew it, I was engaged to the greatest guy I had ever met and had plans to be married that December.  I thought my Mom would be thrilled (here is where I went wrong).  Instead of her jumping up and down with joy and excitement, I was hit with question after question, and insult after insult about how I was making the biggest mistake of my life.  But I didn't care.  I felt that this was the path I was supposed to take.

Well I still picked up and moved to Provo to go to school and I tried my very hardest to do well.  However, I wasn't feeling that that was where I should be anymore.  Instead of enjoying learning as I had in the past, I was drowning in school work and miserable.  About a month into the semester, we had General Conference and during one of the talks, I felt impressed to put school on hold for a short time and pay off my student debt.  This prompting came out of nowhere.  I loved school!  And I didn't want to disappoint anyone.  I needed my Bachelor's Degree.  I was supposed to be the golden child, who did everything she was told.  

About a month went by and I still felt that I shouldn't enroll in school the following semester.  I even registered for classes just in case and nearly threw up all over the place as I did so.  I didn't want to give up school, I loved learning, but it just wasn't what Heavenly Father wanted me to do at that point in my life.  Of course, I avoided telling my Mom this because I couldn't disappoint her again.  But one day she started talking about my educational goals and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I tried to explain to her my decision in the best way possible.  I told her my reasoning, and explained that my education would be put on hold temporarily.  But again, I failed her, and I knew I really disappointed her this time.  Instead of trying to reason with me or even try to understand exactly why I was making this choice, she persecuted every decision I (and my fiance) had made since getting engaged.  She was hurt, and she didn't make the effort to understand my predicament.

I was torn between what I wanted and what the Lord wanted, and she could only see that I wasn't doing what she wanted.  She was so hurt and disappointed in me, that she couldn't even tell me she loved me at the end of the conversation.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to upset my Mom but I didn't want to upset the Lord even more.  As soon as I got off the phone, tears streamed down my face for what felt like hours.  I didn't know who to call, but I knew I didn't want to deal with it alone.

I finally texted my soon-to-be sister-in-law and asked her what I should do.  She gave me some great advice.  She told me that I just needed to remember to be myself and do what I feel is best for me.  Her advice couldn't have been more perfect.  I had been so focused on what others thought of my decisions, that I couldn't bear to think about what I wanted, and more importantly, focus on what the Lord wanted.

Sometimes we focus too much on what others think and want for our lives and forget about what the Lord wants.  Instead of focusing on others plans for us, we should turn to the Lords plan.  Trust me, His plan is probably in our best interest.